I'm amazed that when I look back to 13 years ago.....the dominant feeling that I get is anger. I feel cheated. I feel like no one else that I know had to endure this....why me? And then I feel bad. I mean "Why NOT me?" Her death has given me an appreciation for my living children that I don't think I ever could have had without her death. Then again, I'd give up this special "appreciation" to have my daughter here in a heartbeat. I also feel kind of "marked" and different. I feel like sometimes people look at me differently (if they even know about her) because of what I went through. Although if anyone else remembers but me, my husband and kids...they're not talking about it.
There's just this feeling everyday that something is missing. It doesn't hit when I first wake up - or before I go to bed. It's in the little things of everyday. Meeting someone new who poses the question to you of "How many kids do you have?" That one was SO hard inthe beginning. Now it's easy to answer 3....because I have three living children. I used to hem and ham and want to say something like "One on earth and one in heaven (when I just had one living child)".....but then you get those stares and sympathy looks and blank expressions.....and it's just easier to say "Three." No explanation needed. So am I denying her? No, I tell new people that I meet sometimes.....if I get to know them well and it comes up. But you know what? I still encounter that awkward silence....and then I end up feeling bad for bringing them down. Death is SO strange.
5 comments:
I am still very torn with the question of how many children do you have! Most of the time I do count Matthew. Just depends on my mood.
You can't win on that question. In every exchange, someone gets cheated. As someone wise once told me, make sure that the answer is what is comfortable for you. As much as I try to always mention C., it is sometimes too exhausting to deal with the other person's reaction.
I also gave up on the "one in heaven" answer. Most people don't get what you are trying to say. It just confuses them.
You said this beautifully. Cheated, angry, grateful, something missing, strange, all perfectly said :)
X
I agree, very well said....i don't usually count Nicolas when i answer this question...but it always bothers me that i don't.
Oh, and welcome to the blogsphere!
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