Random Thoughts...

Do you ever do this in your head? Do you ever play "Who has suffered as much as me?" or "Who has the worst life?." I admit it....I do it A LOT. It's part of my self centered personality that I've had for a LONG time. When my daughter died, it consumed me. I was mad at EVERYONE. I was mad at my pregnant friends, I was mad at my sisters with kids, I was mad at everyone in the grocery store with a baby or toddler. And then I'd do comparisons....and no one had a dead baby except me. So I won. I had the worst life. What's the prize, I wondered.

I kept doing it. Less than a year after my daughter died, I miscarried. Then, I lost both my parents in the same year. I thought....dead babies.....dead parents....I'm an orphan. I have the worst life. I win again.

As I get older, I guess I still play from time to time. The playing field gets leveled as you get older. I mean your friends lose their parents....and then they understand the orphan thing. Not too many people, thank God, lose their babies and children. I don't need that playing field leveled. In fact, if I had my way, everyone would just keep on living.

We saw old friends over the weekend. The woman is battling incurable breast cancer at 40. I play the game in my head and think to myself....there's NOTHING worse than that.....realizing that you probably will not be around to see your two babies grow up. I take my loss and compare it to hers. It doesn't compare. It doesn't. I went on to have more children. I have my health. I can talk about a future with some certainty. My husband and I can laugh when we imagine our kids' weddings and becoming grandparents someday. And if I die tomorrow.....there's the promise that I'll be reunited with my sweet baby girl in Heaven. So, I lost the game this round. I so desperately want my friend to lose the next one.