In the beginning, I was totally freaked out being around anyone else the same age that my daughter would have been. I mean it was impossible for me to do it. They were all babies - and babies were the last thing on earth that I could handle. I gave myself permission to distance myself from them for a while. I needed that distance to try and find my stable mental health again. Not everyone understood. And looking back, I can see why there were some hurt feelings. At one point, one of my sisters said to me "Sooner or later, you are going to have to face this." She was referring to one of my nephew's birthday parties. She was right and wrong. Yes, I'd have to face it but it was not up to her to dictate the time and place when that was going to happen. No one can do that for you. You do it when you are ready and if you have to start off with five minutes at a time, then so be it. You have to take care of YOU. The babies, baptisms, and showers will still be there. Yes, you might miss someone's first birthday - but chances are that by the time the 5th one rolls around, you'll be mentally up for the challenge.
Does that awkwardness ever go away? Well, for me it comes and goes. I can be around kids the same age as my deceased daughter - and I'm fine. I don't even realize that they'd be the same age. But you know when it hits me....at milestones. Someone will say, "Oh my daughter is starting middle school, today." Or - "My daughter has a crush on so and so." And thats when it hits me......MY daughter could be doing these things too....but she never will. Sometimes it causes a simple wince...and other times it just completely takes my breath away.
Even 13 years into the journey, life can still be a roller-coaster.
4 comments:
The milestone issue never goes away. I just survived my dead son's 21st birthday. I have really just kind of been numb.
My wife and I lost our baby earlier this month and it has been devastating. Carried to term, we went to the hospital one evening after she had been experiencing some labor for a few hours and what was to be the best day of our lives transformed into the worst with a few simple words from the doctor about not finding a heartbeat. It was an otherwise perfect pregnancy. Something, somewhere along the line went wrong and my wife delivered our dead son. Stillbirth, infant demise, all these euphamisms make me ill sometimes. Let's call it what it is; a dead child, MY dead child.
And why? Because the insurance companies play a numbers game. Why, at 34 goddamn weeks did the doc not even CHECK for baby's weight? Why did the ultrasounds stop after the first few months? 95 percent of most pregnancies are problem free they tell me. It doesn't make it any easier to be part of that 5%. They are not certain even now but there are indications there may have been a clot.. but instead of being able to suspect and find a blood clot that was going on weeks before the due date and could have been averted with some simple blood thinner pills, instead of something that simple and having my baby boy with us... I have a box of ashes on my dresser next to a picture of me and my wife.
The next one will be treated as a high risk. Some help that is. Every expectant mother in this country deserves to be lavished with the comprehensive attention and care given to "high risk" pregnancies.
My heart is broken and I am so angry with the established system I think I would strangle someone if I knew who to strangle and if I thought it would do any good. Any organizations you know of that advocate for more comprehensive prenatal care? Any links at all or suggestions would be welcome.
Some days have been better than others but today... today is just not a good day for me. Some moments I feel terribly lost and utterly powerless.
David in VA
I'm just now starting to deal with "kids the same age".
We lost our baby girl in April due to prematurity, and I was pregnant "with" a close friend of my husband's who gave birth last week. We were only due a couple of weeks apart. I haven't seen the baby, they had a girl as well, and I don't want to. I, like you, have given myself permission to take my time, but already I'm getting friction from other people. I don't care, I'm putting myself first this time.
My heavenly angel turns 8 years old on Monday. Emma was stillborn at 40 weeks. I definately find myself looking and the third grade girls and disbeliving that she would be in that class. I'll never forget the day (years ago) when I was in Gap and heard another mother say, "Emma Grace stay close to me". I as looked it was obvious, they would be the same age and they shared the same name - those moments throw you for a loop.
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