Kids the same age

In the beginning, I was totally freaked out being around anyone else the same age that my daughter would have been. I mean it was impossible for me to do it. They were all babies - and babies were the last thing on earth that I could handle. I gave myself permission to distance myself from them for a while. I needed that distance to try and find my stable mental health again. Not everyone understood. And looking back, I can see why there were some hurt feelings. At one point, one of my sisters said to me "Sooner or later, you are going to have to face this." She was referring to one of my nephew's birthday parties. She was right and wrong. Yes, I'd have to face it but it was not up to her to dictate the time and place when that was going to happen. No one can do that for you. You do it when you are ready and if you have to start off with five minutes at a time, then so be it. You have to take care of YOU. The babies, baptisms, and showers will still be there. Yes, you might miss someone's first birthday - but chances are that by the time the 5th one rolls around, you'll be mentally up for the challenge.

Does that awkwardness ever go away? Well, for me it comes and goes. I can be around kids the same age as my deceased daughter - and I'm fine. I don't even realize that they'd be the same age. But you know when it hits me....at milestones. Someone will say, "Oh my daughter is starting middle school, today." Or - "My daughter has a crush on so and so." And thats when it hits me......MY daughter could be doing these things too....but she never will. Sometimes it causes a simple wince...and other times it just completely takes my breath away.

Even 13 years into the journey, life can still be a roller-coaster.

Random Thoughts...

Do you ever do this in your head? Do you ever play "Who has suffered as much as me?" or "Who has the worst life?." I admit it....I do it A LOT. It's part of my self centered personality that I've had for a LONG time. When my daughter died, it consumed me. I was mad at EVERYONE. I was mad at my pregnant friends, I was mad at my sisters with kids, I was mad at everyone in the grocery store with a baby or toddler. And then I'd do comparisons....and no one had a dead baby except me. So I won. I had the worst life. What's the prize, I wondered.

I kept doing it. Less than a year after my daughter died, I miscarried. Then, I lost both my parents in the same year. I thought....dead babies.....dead parents....I'm an orphan. I have the worst life. I win again.

As I get older, I guess I still play from time to time. The playing field gets leveled as you get older. I mean your friends lose their parents....and then they understand the orphan thing. Not too many people, thank God, lose their babies and children. I don't need that playing field leveled. In fact, if I had my way, everyone would just keep on living.

We saw old friends over the weekend. The woman is battling incurable breast cancer at 40. I play the game in my head and think to myself....there's NOTHING worse than that.....realizing that you probably will not be around to see your two babies grow up. I take my loss and compare it to hers. It doesn't compare. It doesn't. I went on to have more children. I have my health. I can talk about a future with some certainty. My husband and I can laugh when we imagine our kids' weddings and becoming grandparents someday. And if I die tomorrow.....there's the promise that I'll be reunited with my sweet baby girl in Heaven. So, I lost the game this round. I so desperately want my friend to lose the next one.